Sexual Fluidity

Is sexual identity exactly what it sounds like? A brand that one “chooses” to identify with? A sexual “identity”? Just selection based on personal preference? Perhaps not unlike one might prefer certain foods as a child and others as an adult? In fact, if we think this through, it’s quite possible this is indeed not far from the truth. Or at the very least we must assume that if being sexually fluid, is in fact, a true sexual way to identity (or hetero-flexible as some would prefer), then sexual identity must be able to be fluid. Sexuality couldn’t possibly be predetermined, and be fluid at the same time. Unless we choose to abandon reason and logic and replace history with tales of fairies. If you prefer to abandon reason and live with fairies then you are hereby trigger-warned! Continue reading at your own peril.

It does, indeed, precede modern folklore the recount of stories of sailors and fishermen going out to sea and finding more than just sirens to indulge their sexual fantasies with. Quite often, after these long journeys, some men returned with new sexual partners and a gay smile on their faces. This was often kept secret when returning home, especially when returning home to their wives. Same is true for men carrying out long sentences in prison, though in both cases, non-consensual sex, otherwise known as rape, was also common; especially between sailors and young servant boys that were often taken advantage of in this way. Many would be surprised to learn that men and boys are just as likely to experience sexual assault as women. Especially when taking into account those incarcerated or in places of subordination or where there is an imbalance of power.

So it certainly goes without saying, that in both scenarios, when sex is withheld from men or they become isolated from women for long periods of time, homosexual behavior become an inconvenient but expected outcome. And this is still the case even to this day and yet also still too taboo to speak of. Especially instances of homosexuality among Buddhist monks and Catholic priests. Isolation of the opposite sex, for men, has proven time and again to be a catalyst for homosexual behavior, despite these men not having “been” homosexual before these changes occurred in their environment. Isn’t it strange that for all this talk of openness when it comes to sex, we continue to ignore this simple reality that male sexuality is quite fluid? And there is good reason for this fluidity which I’ll get into here shortly.

It is not surprising then, to observe, in this modern day prison we live in, known as our declining western civilization, that men and women are also choosing to identify themselves as bisexual (“hetero-flexible” appears to be the preferred term for some). Not only has the emancipation of women made them less interested in men, but men have also been cautioned to keep their distance from women through the repeated cautionary tale that is the family and kangaroo court systems. Also, the increasing social isolation that modern day society subjects men and women to, has become very prison-like. Our phones provide us the illusion of freedom and connectedness, but they are really a tiny prison cell we carry with us to aid us when driving to and from work or doing our grocery shopping. Social media is nothing more than the little visitors room divided by windows or whatever operating system you like to use.  Heck, at least in prison our meals are made for us, no commuting is necessary and we get to have face to face real friendships. Just look at the side of your house or apartment next time you get home. Your other cell number is right there by the door.

So it’s of no surprise that given these environmental circumstances, men and women would be choosing sexual fluidity, bisexuality or hetero-flexibility as their preferred sexual orientation (or gender identity in some cases). Furthermore our culture discourages men from being fathers and women are profoundly discouraged from being mothers or sleeping with well meaning men.

All that said, homosexuality will always be a sexual preference dominated by those with the Y chromosome (humans born with a penis). My assertion here is based entirely on obvious biological reasons. The male g-spot (aka the prostate gland) can be easily accessed through the male anus. It is quite tragic, in fact, that this aspect of male anatomy and sexuality is still too taboo to be part of modern day sex education and does not get disclosed to boys. Not knowing this can easily confuse a child when they start feeling the onset of an erection while having a bowel movement. I remember as a child thinking that I must certainly be “biologically” gay because I experienced a subtle sexual-like pleasure while relieving myself. Similar to when climbing rope in gym class would bring about a pleasant tingly sensation in my groin. But men didn’t appeal to me, other than to play sports and fight with. I thought there certainly must be something wrong with me and that I should try to like men (sexually) if I was going to be “true” to myself (a message that was being pushed on society even back then). Or maybe I really did like men and I had been socially conditioned not to and was lying to myself (another message socially imparted on me).

These thoughts tossed and turned in my head and stressed me out as a child and later as a teenager. But whenever I entertained the thought of being intimate with a man I got nauseous and queasy. The idea was so gross to me I wanted to wipe it from my mind. And I just couldn’t bring myself around to trying it. In fact, I was constantly distracted by the eye candy that were girls and even my female teachers. But I remained conflicted about this whole butt problem I had and thought that “certainly I must be gay.” Mind you, this mental complex wouldn’t have come about had I not known that homosexuality was a thing. Had the subject never been mentioned to me, I probably would have been blissfully ignorant about it.

Thankfully the internet came around many years later and I was finally able to get some information before deciding I wasn’t “born” gay. As it turned out, all men were biologically capable of experiencing pleasure through the prostate gland. Being fascinated by the subject, given how much information had been withheld from me, I studied further. And over the years I came to realize that all men and women are sexually fluid. That there are really only two sexual identities (not 22 as dating websites would like you to believe).

There are straight men and straight women, that’s it! And these aren’t actual identities but rather extremes on a spectrum. Much like how visible light has ultra violets on one end and infrared on the other. And all of us can find ourselves somewhere on that rainbow colored spectrum or in the middle. You are either far on the XX or far on the XY. And if you are born XY, your environment can push you toward XX behaviors and vice versa. Some, yes, might be born toward the center of the spectrum but every human is born with either XX or XY in their DNA, and whichever preferences emerge after, are preferences that could change throughout that person’s life given their circumstances. Gender and sexual fluidity is, after all, not a modern day phenomenon.  In fact, we need only to read the works of Socrates to familiarize ourselves with how men spoke openly and candidly in the past about their child sexual exploits in a manner such to imply the practice was quite socially acceptable. So we are fluid, not fixed. And far be it from anyone to attempt to label a boy or girl any other name beside that which they were born with.

TRANScending Sex

Coping mechanism are an interesting domain of study in psychology. For instance, take  stuttering: A problem that affects many children, some of whom take it with them long into adulthood. Many speech therapists understand the problem as being one of an inability to cope with pressure. Often, the solution to repair a stutter is to help the patient recall their earliest memory of stuttering and helping them gain an understanding of how it arose by identifying this external pressure. It could be something as simple as a mother or father yelling and over disciplining a child or asking for answers to questions the child may not have had the intellectual capacity to understand or the vocabulary needed to produce a response.

In moments similar to these, the stutter emerges as a way to cope and justify a delay. It becomes an outward manifestation of the unfair pressure being exerted externally by someone with a complete imbalance of power. Another way to put it is that the crutch becomes a way to hide or protect one’s self from the assailant. Much the same way a child hides under the covers when they think there’s a monster in the room. It’s irrational, yes, but it creates sufficient emotional distance to allow the individual to cope with the situation while also giving the assailant pause. Once these therapists unveil this to their patients, in most cases, the stutter goes away. And it’s a beautiful thing to witness, like a silk knot easily being untangled that could have been untied long ago had it not been held onto like armor by the patient.

Traumas in our life trigger these types of coping mechanisms in many different ways. Stuttering is just one of many. But just imagine: What if stuttering hadn’t been viewed as a problem to begin with? Society could have chosen to see it as merely an aspect of our human diversity. Perhaps even something we should celebrate, champion, write non-discrimination laws about and create company quotas that forced a certain number of stutterers to be employed? Maybe we’d even have stuttering parades and push an agenda for new words to be included in our vernacular to further accommodate this disability? A myriad industries would emerge to cater to stutterers and they’d be a source of tremendous revenue to others whom could have found ways of benefiting from this condition.

No, that would be irresponsible and hateful. Being loving to a victim of stuttering is not the same as convincing them they don’t have a problem. Doing so merely perpetuates their difficulties but even worse still, the bullies that caused it.

Coping mechanisms manifest themselves in many ways among humans. Overeating, hair and skin color changes, body modification – essentially anything that changes you in some physical way can become your method of “hiding under the covers”

I believe that a loathing of the self, be it manufactured through guilt, or otherwise, may lead to a phobia of one’s own person. These individuals will likely proceed to consume recreational drugs or modify themselves physically in ways by which to hide themselves from themselves. Methods including tattoos, piercings, hair or skin color changes and even gender reassignment may be some ways of doing so. As long as the self is dissatisfied with the attributes of the self,specifically those that are innate and traditionally unchangeable, a downward spiral of debt will ensue leading to profound anxiety, depression and even suicide. Consequently the only ones that will survive such a mental state are the very rich. And why among the wealthy are found circulating many warped individuals.

As a society we need to be mindful of distinguishing between what are the symptoms of a problem from what is merely natural beauty. And unfortunately I’d wager that over half of our economy is based on perpetuating problems, not solving them. Take junk food which satisfies the cravings of taste but not of hunger. It is perfectly designed for over consumption. It’s a food, yet it does not satisfy or satiate the body’s appetite. The grievance of weight-gain naturally emerges for those that consume it out of which are borne a myriad weight-loss industries. And when these fail to address the problem, as they often do, depression and disease arises for which the pharmaceutical and medical industry come into play, which send you into further downward spirals toward further debt and eventually desires of self-annihilation. And to the “aid” of suicide victims (or their burial) rouse even more industries from social workers to morgues . It’s a long chain of grievances that moves our economy from one industry to the next, each which profit from people’s suffering. Lawyers, for instance, LOVE creating new laws because each law is a trip-wire beneath the feet of the average citizen that can trigger a fine, jail time or more legal fees. The prison and military industrial complex, our government, churches. All these institutions have all found ways of capitalizing on grief and guilt, and by extension, have also perpetuated them.

One of my first clients was one such victim; A trans woman. She was gorgeous. Had she not written about it in her message to me I would have thought she was a natural wom(b)an. She came to me because she suffered from restlessness and was constantly anxious about her looks and eager to do more and more surgical procedures on her body and face so she could be “perfect”.  She said:

It’s just never enough. There’s always something else I can do to make myself look better

She was spending thousands of dollars on this and working really hard hoping to save up for the next procedure. But I knew this was a fool’s errand, for external beauty only begins to fade at her age (she was 30) and if she couldn’t find a way of being happy with herself now, she would be completely distraught throughout the remainder of her adult life. So after a long conversation getting to know each other, I gave her a shoulder rub at a park and guided her thoughts into presence. We sat there alone and witnessed the seagulls roaming about and waves splashing up against the docks. A small fishing boat arrived and its lone sailor fastened it with rope. Every sound, every clunk and splash was delicious to the ears and the sight. The breeze was cool and refreshing under the October sunshine. The moment couldn’t have been more pristine. It was beautiful and I sincerely hope that through it she gained an understanding about how valuable it is to be alive and enjoy every moment one gets to be a part of.

She opened up to me later on and what I learned about her upbringing confirmed everything I’ve written here. A combination of abuse and abandonment lead her (“him” at the time) to seek foster care, an experience from which he emerged as a she like a beautiful butterfly.

A few days after we met, she asked me to her place for a full body session. That night, we went into her bedroom, she undressed fully and got under her covers. There was no intention on my part to do anything other than bring her comfort and relaxation. But in the back of my mind (I’ll admit) I did wonder if she had something else in mind.

I kept most of her covered as I worked on her back. I used the best oils I had which were naturally scented with rose oil.

you can push harder

She said. To which I responded “I know, I’m just getting started.” I like to begin with very light touch and wait for the body to let go of itself. I can feel it even before I begin touching. You witness the body sink another inch into the covers creating a pocket of air between the client’s back and the sheets. They fall parachuting gently over the skin signaling it’s time to dig in. It happens and I begin to touch deeply. Not to stimulate the muscles or the bones, but to send a vibration of love throughout the entire integumentary system (the skin and fascia). I started with her back and worked my way gradually to the dimples of venus. I circulated my thumbs on each dimple repeatedly then stroked them both up from beneath the coccyx and then up through each shoulder blade. Her body was incredibly supple and her skin impeccable. It was as much a joy for me as it was for her I think. I told her she could be a model. She giggled and said she had tried but didn’t quite have the right body type.

Fifteen minutes later I exposed one of her glutes. I continued being amazed at the transformation she had gone through. How could a creature this beautiful be expected to go into the men’s restroom? She was pristine. I felt like I had been transported into a magazine where everyone was perfectly crafted and naturally bronzed. Her tan Philippino skin might have had something to do with it. Good genes never hurt. I stroked the glutes following the natural slants each muscle fiber has as it connects firmly from the pelvis onto the lateral muscles found along the femur.

It was then I slipped my fingers down to the inner thigh and discovered that underneath it all, there are some things even a shattered heart can’t let go of.


There is only one lesson life is trying to teach all of us. And that is, to let go. Be it the joys of childhood to the freedoms of youth or the fading of beauty as we age. One way or another we must let go. And even if we don’t learn how, death will be our final teacher. Let go and find true happiness while you are still living.


If you are their yin, let them be your yang. And within their yang find your yin and let the other find their yang within your yin.

In other words if you’ve found a way to arrange your life as a couple in such a way that your strengths and contributions to the family compliment each other.  Don’t make it 100% this for you and 100% that for the other.   I think an 80/20 split and 20/80 split is ideal.   So if you are rearing the children 80% of the time, let him do 20% of it. And if he is spending 80% on his career he should let you spend 20% toward your own ambitions.  Finding the balance is key. But whatever you do, don’t do 50/50  then nobody gets good at anything and you just end up with a mediocre relationships.

Why one should stay home

If you and your special other are raising children it is best for one of you to be a homemaker. It could be the man or the woman. How to pick? I say whoever has the most earning potential or can earn with greater ease should be out earning. And the one that can raise children with most ease should stay at home raising. Hopefully, if you are a parent, this compatibility question was first among your criteria when choosing a mate.

Please bear in mind that putting your children in school, daycare or in front of a television is not raising your children. Keeping a clean and safe environment is. Providing excellent sources of nutrition by cooking your own meals with healthy ingredients is. Having a garden that produces ingredients to cook with, even if it’s only in pots and involving your children in it as part of their education is. Teaching them how to clean, help with chores and eventually cook their own meals is. Integrating math, vocabulary, logic, and critical thinking into all these day to day activities, is. Teaching them how to relate and play with other people is. Reading good stories to them and teaching them how to write and read their own, is. Teaching them about hygiene, manners, how to dress, speak and conduct  themselves socially is. Teaching them how to overcome sadness, frustration, anger and all other human emotions that interfere with well-being, is. Teaching them how to speak, articulate ideas and arguments without resorting to psychological manipulation, is. Goodness, there is so much, I could go on! Maybe I’ll have a series later on dedicated to raising children.

It is no laughing matter to raise a child. And these things are best taught through the example and presence of a parent. Women are biologically, intellectually and spiritually superior to men in these areas of expertise. If the man, however, insists on being the homemaker, that’s fine but only if the wife can earn more with more ease than the man or perhaps she is simply not smart enough to raise children or has no motherly bone or instinct in her body.

Division of labor was the first economic principle discovered that helped human development and it began with the family. By the man and woman focusing on different areas of life, efficiencies were gained, even greater wealth produced and more prosperity left for their descendants. It is not a coincidence that in nations where families have been most intact over the course of centuries, that there is greater wealth and well-being there. And in nations where single parenthood is prevalent there is greater poverty and suffering. It is also not a coincidence that men statistically will earn more if they are the sole provider.  In other words, by the spouse taking charge of the home, the father gets to focus more of his energies into work and further increase his earning potential. I would imagine this also to be the case if the roles were reversed. The key is division of labor.

This is why socialists and communism strives to abolish the family unit, as it poses an inconvenience to those wishing to conquer by divvying up everything to their benefit.  But if you believe in playing your part, the music you will create together will be a marvel to those around you.