The moment I was enlightened was the moment I was sent into darkness.
Many years ago I was forced to let go of my home and after it had all been vacated I walked in one last time to say goodbye.
I stood in the sun room where my office used to be. I stood in the middle of it when a single moth emerged out of nowhere and flew around me in one big circle a little over an arm’s length away.
I turned with it as it revolved around me and sat down from the dizzyness.
I fell into a deep meditation and asked God for a sign because my faith was shaken.
It was then that the entire floor crackled in a spider-web-like pattern with me at its epicenter.
It shook my soul and my eyes couldn’t stay shut any longer.
With eyes wide open I felt suddenly empowered with faith renewed. And just then, as my faith was basking in its renewal, I realized that the creaking sounds of the ground were merely unresolved pressures being displaced from the sudden lack of furniture in the room with me being the only weight standing at its center.
In that instant, my sharp reason took its blade and severed my faith at its upstanding head.
My faith went from shaken, to lost. And lost forever.
I went into darkness for many days following. Feeling the waste that was my life. The spiritual currencies I had amassed for decades had suddenly turned into worthless paper.
At first I missed the angels.
And this was met with profound sadness.
But then I missed the demons.
And this was met with joy.
And it was from this period of naught that I began to see.
It was in this state of nothingness, of void, of coldness that I felt myself sitting naked on a rock in the middle of an icy creek.
I was nothingness. I was empty. I was void. I was alone. I was cold. I was desolate. I was empty handed. I was empty. Empty of thoughts, ideas and preconceptions.
And it was in this moment of absolute surrender that I finally began to see.
I began to see the beauty in all things.
I saw the beauty of a fallen leaf.
I saw the beauty of flowing water.
I saw the beauty of a passing cloud and a dancing tree.
I saw the beauty of mountains and valleys.
I saw the beauty in all of creation and all of its wonders. And I felt connected to it all. I felt one with it. I felt beautiful because I was one with the beauty I witnessed around me.
And it was in this moment, that I began, for the first time in my life, to know myself and doing so through creation. I was no longer alone. I was in the company of all that was around me. Even if it were an empty chair, I could sense its companionship and the hands of its maker. A new faith emerged within me. One that could not be shaken. One built from tangible experience and not from vapid imagination. One built with my senses and not with stories. One built for me and not by me.
This was true faith. This was the beginning of enlightenment and it all began with darkness. Maybe I’ll go back into darkness and see what else there is to find. Wish me luck, lest I get trapped in its clutches and not come out.